Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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