Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
