Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
