Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
