mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Say something about gay babies.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
