i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
