Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
