Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
