He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
