Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
