I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
