this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
