Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
