so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
