Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
