So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
