I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
