I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
