Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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