the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
