Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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