Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
