I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
