I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
