Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
