Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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