I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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