It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
