you guys were way drunker than both of me
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
