I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
