i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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