ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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