shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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