apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
