Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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