So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
