i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
