I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
