So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
