And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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