I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
