I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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