every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Randomize
