I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
