you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
