Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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