Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
