guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Randomize
