FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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