You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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